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Man, That is Autistic!

On 26 Dec 2011, In Autism, Dhuha, by , 8 Comments

Dhuha is how I’ve always known her and to me, at least, that is normal. She is herself. She is my Dhuha.

Most of the time, I fail to see that any of her behaviour is abnormal, even if that behaviour is disruptive. However, there are times when I think, “Man, that is autistic!”.

Reminders of Autism

Dhuha comes down for breakfast. I give her a bowl of cereal. Suddenly, she jumps up, runs and puts the slightly out-of-place sugar container back to its perfect position. She then runs back to her seat and eats her food.

Abdurrahman is playing a game with one of the doors. He wants it closed. Dhuha dislikes the door being closed and forces it open. Abdurrahman is shouting at her to stop it and she is screaming at him. He hits her. She holds the door open.

As soon as Dhuha woke up, I changed her nappy. After a half an hour, Zahira changes her nappy again. Ten minutes later, it looks like she needs to be changed again. Zahira checks her and discovers that she doesn’t need changed, she’s stuffed four toy cars down her pants.

The joys of autism.

Playing at the Sand Park

On 23 Dec 2011, In Family Photos, by , 2 Comments

Be Inspiring or Get Inspired

On 05 Nov 2011, In Family, by , 2 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Today is the Day of Arafat, when the pilgrims will be standing on Mount Arafat seeking forgiveness from their Lord, with wet eyes.

Allah ta’ala swore by this day in Surah Al-Buruj [85:3],

وَشَاهِدٍۢ وَمَشْهُودٍۢ


(I took this photo from The Meaning of Islam, without permission.)

It is recommend for those of us, who could not be present, to fast today. We all know that right? We’ve heard the lectures and read the blog posts.

Yet when my wife asked me yesterday evening if I was going to fast, I replied that I didn’t know. Even as I went to sleep last night, I wasn’t sure. When the alarm went off in the morning, I had forgotten all about it.

I had been fighting a battle. On one side, there was me, weak and pathetic. On the other Shaytan, who had been successfully beating me with a stick of stupidity.

Within a minute of my wife going downstairs to prepare her suhoor, with the loud clangs and bangs that disturb the night’s silence on these types of occasions, I was determined to fast as well.

My wife only asked me one time about fasting. She didn’t even mention it to me when she woke up or when I did eventually come down stairs, after making sure the boy was still asleep. There was no need, her action of getting out of bed was far more inspiring than any lecture or article that I’ve read.

8 Things I’ve Learned in 8 Years of Marriage

On 22 Oct 2011, In Family, by , 8 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

I’ve been married for eight years, today. Which is just enough time to get some understanding of marriage and family life. Even if that understanding is a bit blurred and confused.

Since I’ve now established my “authority” to write on the subject, I would like to share eight things I’ve learned in the past eight years. Enjoy.

Four Things I’ve Learned About Myself

1. I’m not patient, cool, clam or collected as I had, previously, been made to believe by my friends. It’s easy to appear patient when you have no responsibilities and no worries beyond deciding where to eat lunch. It is decidedly much more difficult with real responsibilities and real problems, proving conclusively that I’m not the least bit patient.

2. I can handle a lot more than I thought I could. When I was growing up, there were two things I thought I could never handle; autism and psoriasis. I have psoriasis, though it is under control. Dhuha has autism and I think that’s under control too.

3. I am a lot like my father. It pains me to say it but it’s true. I’m a disciplinarian. “Smaking” annoys me to no end. I MUST be heard. Sabah calls me “grumpy daddy”. Not to mention that I look a lot like him. Harshness was his defining character trait.

4. I’m nothing like my father. I kiss and play with my kids. They can share my food or drink. I can and do change nappies. I tell my family that I love them. We spend on the kids first and often I do without. I like to think, my kindness overshadows my harshness.

Two Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

5. It’s next to impossible to win an argument. Even when I’m sure I’m right, I seem to lose the argument. I talk too much. I talk too loudly. The longer the argument goes on, the more likely I’m not going to win. In fact, the only way to win an argument is by arguing alone.

6. DIY and housework (especially washing dishes) is the best way to smooth things over after you’ve lost an argument (see point 5). There is a trick to it, so use with caution. You must not wash the dishes or put up a shelf too frequently or it will become what’s expected. You must not do it too infrequently that she starts thinking you are a lazy bum. It is a fine balance, I admit. Done right, it will endear her to you.

Two Things I’ve Learned About Being a Father

7. Having a child with a disability isn’t bad. I remember saying to Zahira, when she was pregnant with Sabah, that I didn’t mind if we had a boy or a girl just so long as there was no disability. I remember worrying about Abdurrahman through his first year. But the one I’m closest to and the one that I’ve learned the most about being a father and a human is from Dhuha. Her disability does not stand in the way of her awesomeness.

8. Being part of my children’s lives has been the most satisfying aspect of worldly life. Before they were born, they did not exist even as an idea. After I saw them, heard them and held them, I can not imagine a happy world without them. They are the coolness of my eyes. They are the pleasantness of my present. They are the hope of my future.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you Zahira for eight great years. I love you.

A New Place Brings a New Peace

On 16 May 2011, In Family, by , 5 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

In the lead up and to the end of last Ramadan, there was a happy tranquillity in our home. It marked the end of a trying year and everything seemed on the up. The boy was progressing as we hoped. Sabah was growing in confidence. Dhuha was putting the trauma of the previous year behind her. Zahira was looking forward to starting her first year of university and a new year of teaching. We seemed to have acquired an equilibrium in our family that had been missing for some time. Indeed, all praise and thanks belong to Allah for His blessings and that period of respite. MashaAllah.

That moment of calmness was destined to be short. As Ramadan ended and we were celebrating Eid-ul-Fitr, a new fitnah invited itself home. What a bloodthirsty trial it was! It wasn’t long before we were throwing the children’s newly bought Eid toys into the bin and most of everything else.

I can now put the financial cost of our ordeal to be between £6,000 and £8,000. However, it was the stress that had the longest and deepest impact. We had no bed, no blankets and no refuge. What I remember most was the day we took Dhuha’s bed out. That night Dhuha went looking for her bed, unable to find it she walked in circles until out of exhaustion and despair she sat on the steps leading to her room and placed her head in her hands and cried. One cannot imagine what an extraordinary gift a dark night in restful sleep is, until it has been taken away.

We were given a lifeline and invited into my in-laws home. What a relief it was to have a sanctuary! We left our house as quickly as we could. We salvaged what we could of our possessions and took the rest to the skip. It was one of the many blessings that Allah Ta’ala has given us, that we didn’t pass our plague onto our generous hosts.

Our intention was to stay a few weeks or a month at most. We began looking for a place of our own immediately. However, it was terribly difficult to find an adequate house to rent, within our budget. As the weeks turned into months, our sanctuary became a prison. The difficulty, placed on us all, was significant.

When we had almost given up on finding a new place, I happened to stumble upon a listing on the internet. It seemed to check many of our boxes and it was within our budget. We made an appointment to view it and then moved in just days later.

Now that Ramadan tranquillity, happiness and peace has become part of our day to day; even more so. We went from quite a small house, to a cramped room to something that is quite spacious. Dhuha especially seems to be relishing this new freedom. She now has her own room and her own bed. She is no longer restricted from any room in the house, with the exception of mine and Zahira’s room. On top of that she has a garden in which to escape from the house itself. Her mood and behaviour has improved a hundred fold.

There is no doubt that I am truly indebted to Allah the Most Merciful Lord. Oh Allah, make me a grateful servant!

Finally, Our Own Place

On 12 May 2011, In Family, by , 4 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Allah says in His Quran,

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:6)

How true! Life is full of challenges, some more serious than others. Yet, when the dust has settled, there is relief.

Alhamdulillah, a few weeks back my family was able to draw a line underneath a particularly challenging seven or eight months. We are now in our own place and enjoying the extra space. While I am grateful for the hospitality of my in-laws, I am relieved that we no longer need their hospitality.

Interview with MuslimaOasis for Autism Awareness

On 06 Apr 2011, In Autism, Family, by , 1 Comment

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Zahira and I recently did an interview with Emma Apple, founder of the online Muslim women’s magazine MuslimaOasis and the Autism awareness project BlueHijabDay.com.

The purpose of the interview was to raise awareness about autism within the Muslim community. Even though, I feel, I’m a poor autism awareness advocate, I was honoured and happy to answer the questions. I believe that each of us autism parents have something to share. Undoubtedly, our experiences can help people just entering the chaotic waters of ASD.

I would like to offer her my sincerest gratitude. I pray Allah ta’ala grants her every happiness in this life and the hereafter.

You can read the interview on the MuslimaOasis website.

About MuslimaOasis

(taken from muslimaoasis’ website)

Muslimas Oasis is a collaborative blog by and for Muslim (and non muslim) Women.

Our Goal and Purpose is to post articles and thoughts on issues affecting Women around the world from a Muslim Womans perspective. To encourage empowerment of Muslim Women (and non muslim women) and to encourage Muslim Women to stand up and use their powerful voice and powerful position in society.

We want to raise awareness of issues, eradicate stigma and stereotype, answer uncomfortable or taboo questions. We aim to encourage self awareness of body, mind and spirit on a personal and societal level.

About Blue Hijab Day

(taken from bluehijabday website)

Blue Hijab Day is an event started by Muslimas Oasis as a way to raise awareness about Autism, Aspergers and other Autism Spectrum Disorders. Our primary goal is to bring about more awareness of these disorders in the Muslim Community, a community which is sadly lacking in awareness and supportive resources for families living with autism. With that said, we very much welcome involvement from non Muslims and hope to bring about Awareness in the wider community through our efforts, we want Blue Hijab Day to become a mainstream awareness and fundraising effort with a Muslim face.

About Emma Apple

(taken from muslimaoasis’ website)

UmmHend is a kiwi mother of 2 who converted to Islam as a teenager in mid 2001 and has been known online ever since for efforts to spread understanding about Islam among Muslims and Non Muslims.

She is a Professional Web Designer, an Artist and a Published Writer, it was through her efforts for Islam that she became interested in web design and went on to teach herself and make a humble career of it.

She had all but given up on the online dawah (spreading Islamic information) efforts and finally, years later, Emma’s passionate opinions and drive to speak out inspired her to create a place that encourages women to use their voice and energy for something that will benefit them and their community, for positive affect rather than negative.

Without realizing it her original idea from 2001 came full circle. Muslimas Oasis is the matured version of the humble efforts Emma began to spread understanding of Islam and Muslim Women all those years ago.

I Love My Wife

On 09 Sep 2010, In Zahira, by , 2 Comments

I love my wife.

She is, to me, all the comfort and beauty of the world.

I fear the day she is returned to her Creator, leaving me in a bleak world.

My hope and trust is with my Lord, who will not place upon me a burden greater than I can withstand.

To Know Her is to Love Her

On 08 Sep 2010, In Autism, Dhuha, by , 2 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

This is something a wrote a while back,

Along with my faith in God and getting married to the love of my life, becoming a father has been among the most enriching and rewarding experiences imaginable. All of my three children are special and I love them. They have their own beautiful personalities and complex lists of likes, dislikes and preferences. They also come with a set of unique challenges, which I have the privilege of facing with them.

In 2005 my wife gave birth to a wonderful little girl, suddenly parenthood was thrust upon me. Admittedly, I felt completely overwhelmed and incompetent. Worst still was the massive upheaval that a new baby brings to an established and comfortable routine. My initial problems with parenthood were compounded by the fact that they were only my problems. My wife seemed to take everything in stride and I was left on the outside, cold. In time, I overcame these problems and embraced my new found position as head of my own family. However, nothing could prepare me for the challenges that were coming just around the corner.

In 2006, God blessed me a second time with a beautiful little girl, Dhuha. The anxieties of first becoming a father were far behind me and I enjoyed her from the moment she was born. Having two very young children was difficult but the excitement and the fun of it far outweighed any hardships. Life for a brief moment was as close to perfection as possible. Perfection would not last; it is God’s wish to constantly test us with trials and tribulations. By the end of the first year of Dhuha’s life we began to notice some oddities in her behaviour. At the end of her second year, we were sure there was a problem. Dhuha’s behaviour was troublesome and she wasn’t progressing as we had expected. At three Dhuha was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Having a child on the autism spectrum makes life for the whole family difficult and restrictive. I can only imagine how Dhuha feels.

Dhuha has autism but it does not define who she is as a person. Underneath her developmental disorder, she is an intelligent, creative and affectionate girl. If you give her half a chance, she will prove that herself. To know her is to love her.

When my wife became pregnant in 2008, there was a worried excitement. I questioned whether or not I would be ready for another child with a disability. Thank God, my son was born healthy and has not shown any signs of autism. Although I am grateful that he does not have a disability, I think I could have handled it, with a lot of difficulty.

Having children and being a father and husband has made me a better person. I owe my family a lot, especially Dhuha.

One Year Anniversary

On 12 Feb 2010, In Family, by , 4 Comments

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Everything comes to an end. Everything will perish. Tall mountains, mighty empires and human lives will vanish as if they had never existed. So, what chance does a silly little blog like mine have?

Today marks the one year anniversary since I started this blog. Time, SubhanaAllah, goes by so quickly. It goes by so quickly that thinking about my life in terms of this blog reminds me how quickly death is coming. If I died now would I be proud of the way I lived my life? I am an inadequate father, a lousy husband and a lazy Muslim. I haven’t had my moment of greatness, when I would swallow my fears and ego and sell my life for a place with the Most High.

A lot of things happened in this year that has passed us by, as you would expect. We got to terms with Dhuha’s disorder and she got a diagnosis and started school. Sabah reached the five year milestone, has learned to read and come out of her shell to become very cheeky. At just four years old, she began taking some responsibility for Dhuha, making sure that she is safe and out of trouble. She is a remarkable little girl. Abdurrahman, our first son was born. I have never seen such a happy and well-behaved baby. MashaAllah, my kids are wonderful and beautiful and I am proud that they are my children.

Our lives aren’t just about the kids though. Zahira has started teaching in a local Islamic school, she learned to drive and most astonishingly she has been able to put up with me for another year. As for me, I can’t really think of anything that I’ve done worthy of listing here and that is a bit sad.

I have enjoyed writing for this blog. Getting to know some of you virtual people. I hope in the next year that I can improve on my writing, get to know more of you virtual people.

Thank you all for joining my Islamic family for this past year and I hope you are looking forward to the next year as much as I am.

O Allah, forgive me.

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