Browsing: Sabah
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
I’ve been married for eight years, today. Which is just enough time to get some understanding of marriage and family life. Even if that understanding is a bit blurred and confused.
Since I’ve now established my “authority” to write on the subject, I would like to share eight things I’ve learned in the past eight years. Enjoy.
Four Things I’ve Learned About Myself
1. I’m not patient, cool, clam or collected as I had, previously, been made to believe by my friends. It’s easy to appear patient when you have no responsibilities and no worries beyond deciding where to eat lunch. It is decidedly much more difficult with real responsibilities and real problems, proving conclusively that I’m not the least bit patient.
2. I can handle a lot more than I thought I could. When I was growing up, there were two things I thought I could never handle; autism and psoriasis. I have psoriasis, though it is under control. Dhuha has autism and I think that’s under control too.
3. I am a lot like my father. It pains me to say it but it’s true. I’m a disciplinarian. “Smaking” annoys me to no end. I MUST be heard. Sabah calls me “grumpy daddy”. Not to mention that I look a lot like him. Harshness was his defining character trait.
4. I’m nothing like my father. I kiss and play with my kids. They can share my food or drink. I can and do change nappies. I tell my family that I love them. We spend on the kids first and often I do without. I like to think, my kindness overshadows my harshness.
Two Things I’ve Learned About Marriage
5. It’s next to impossible to win an argument. Even when I’m sure I’m right, I seem to lose the argument. I talk too much. I talk too loudly. The longer the argument goes on, the more likely I’m not going to win. In fact, the only way to win an argument is by arguing alone.
6. DIY and housework (especially washing dishes) is the best way to smooth things over after you’ve lost an argument (see point 5). There is a trick to it, so use with caution. You must not wash the dishes or put up a shelf too frequently or it will become what’s expected. You must not do it too infrequently that she starts thinking you are a lazy bum. It is a fine balance, I admit. Done right, it will endear her to you.
Two Things I’ve Learned About Being a Father
7. Having a child with a disability isn’t bad. I remember saying to Zahira, when she was pregnant with Sabah, that I didn’t mind if we had a boy or a girl just so long as there was no disability. I remember worrying about Abdurrahman through his first year. But the one I’m closest to and the one that I’ve learned the most about being a father and a human is from Dhuha. Her disability does not stand in the way of her awesomeness.
8. Being part of my children’s lives has been the most satisfying aspect of worldly life. Before they were born, they did not exist even as an idea. After I saw them, heard them and held them, I can not imagine a happy world without them. They are the coolness of my eyes. They are the pleasantness of my present. They are the hope of my future.
Alhamdulillah. Thank you Zahira for eight great years. I love you.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Since Sabah first started school, I’ve had concerns about my girls’ schooling of one type or another. I’ve written about school a few times, which gives a cursory glance at some of those concerns. I’ve not written extensively on the subject because of lack of time and the sometimes sensitive nature of events at school.
Dhuha’s schooling has been of particular concern. Once Zahira and I made the decision to move her from Al-Aqsa Primary School to Oaklands Special Needs Primary School earlier this year, I have stressed and worried. Alhamdulillah the blessed month of Ramadan came the month before school started and it caused me to forget all my school worries.
Just two days after we celebrated the Eid, Dhuha started school. Surprisingly, on the morning of, I was calm and relaxed. Dhuha was also in a good mood despite not sleeping much the night before.
Alhamdulillah, its been just over a week and I’m still feeling calm and relaxed about both my girls’ schools. Al-Aqsa Primary School is a wonderful school, filled with people who genuinely care about the Islamic upbringing of children. MashaAllah, I can say that even with exclusive insider information as a husband of one of their teachers and an occasional volunteer. My limited experiences with Oaklands have also been positive, especially so since Dhuha is obviously enjoying the time she spends there. For example, last Friday she forced me to wait for her bus outside because she was so anxious to go.
Dhuha’s Home School Book entires since the beginning of the year.
1/9/11
Hi,
Dhuha has settled in well into caterpillars. She had a few moments when she was upset this morning but this didn’t last long! she was soon exploring her classroom. She was a bit wary of going into the soft playroom and sensory room but once she went in she enjoying it and didn’t want to come back out.
She also liked playing in the sand, listening to number rhymes and printing a picture.
5/9/11
Hi,
Many thanks for completing and returning the “All About Me” sheet.
Dhuha has had a lovely calm day today. and enjoyed participating in gelli baff messy play and playing with ICT toys.
6/9/11
Hi, Dhuha has had a good day & enjoyed soft play, sensory room & dance this afternoon.
Dhuha became a little distressed this afternoon & was holding her tummy ? but soon stopped!
7/9/11
Dhuha has been happy today joining in all activities with little persuasion.
8/9/11
Dhuha has had another good day in school again joining in all activities especially outdoor play.
9/9/11
Hi,
Dhuha has had a good day and enjoyed puring water into the tuff spot to turn soap flakes into bubbles she has been a little unsettled at times – crying for no apparent reason. Hope Dhuha has a lovely weekend.
All Praise and Thanks belong to Allah alone!
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Islam is Truth. We are convinced of its truthfulness, spiritually and intellectually. Yet some time ago, we lost the confidence to speak the Truth and call towards it.
Why am I like a mouse when calling to Allah and my six year old daughter is like a lion?
You should worship Allah.
The only true One.
The only One who created the universe.
You should do what Muhammad did.
Worship Allah.
We should only worship Allah.
He is the truely One.
We can all pray to Him.
Allah knows everything.
We are all Muslims.Sabah Hashim, Ramadan 1432.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
I believe establishing boundaries for my children and ensuring they adhere to them is important. They help keep them safe from potential harm and out of trouble.
It has been my experience that when children have clear boundaries that they understand, they are generally better behaved. As long as you’re fair, consistent and take the time to explain the rules you have set out, most children easily conform. To me, Sabah has validated this point-of-view.
Dhuha on the other hand, has lived most of her life within unexplained, unfair and inconsistent boundaries. In the past, if she made a mess in the kitchen, we wouldn’t allow her back in. If she played with something in the bathroom that she wasn’t meant to have, we’d take her out of the bathroom. When she started eating sand, we took sand from her. In frustration, we would confine her to an ever smaller space.
Confining Dhuha to small spaces was a particular problem when we stayed at my in-laws, where she would regularly be restricted to just two rooms. Before that, we used to prevent her from going into the kitchen, bathroom and sometimes our bedroom, which left just three rooms for her to move around in.
Of course, that is unacceptable. Dhuha is an equal member of this family and when we moved into this new place, I was keen to allow her to have free access to every room in the house and outside, with the sole exception of my room. But, how do we allow her freedom to move about in her own home, without constantly chasing after her to stop her from smearing butter into the carpet on the stairs?
We have to set up boundaries, which she understands. Our solution has been to create a visual aid, which we place on things and rooms, which she is not allowed to touch or enter. My bedroom, the downstairs loo, the greenhouse and the outside gate, which leads to the road. We also carry around cards with the same image and every time she does or tries to do that is out of bounds, we present this card to her and we say “stop”.
It’s early days still but she seems to understand what the image is all about. Today, she removed the sign from the downstairs loo before she entered it. I’m hopeful that this will allow us to establish fair, consistent boundaries that she understands.
All Praise and Thanks belongs to Allah alone.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
In the lead up and to the end of last Ramadan, there was a happy tranquillity in our home. It marked the end of a trying year and everything seemed on the up. The boy was progressing as we hoped. Sabah was growing in confidence. Dhuha was putting the trauma of the previous year behind her. Zahira was looking forward to starting her first year of university and a new year of teaching. We seemed to have acquired an equilibrium in our family that had been missing for some time. Indeed, all praise and thanks belong to Allah for His blessings and that period of respite. MashaAllah.
That moment of calmness was destined to be short. As Ramadan ended and we were celebrating Eid-ul-Fitr, a new fitnah invited itself home. What a bloodthirsty trial it was! It wasn’t long before we were throwing the children’s newly bought Eid toys into the bin and most of everything else.
I can now put the financial cost of our ordeal to be between £6,000 and £8,000. However, it was the stress that had the longest and deepest impact. We had no bed, no blankets and no refuge. What I remember most was the day we took Dhuha’s bed out. That night Dhuha went looking for her bed, unable to find it she walked in circles until out of exhaustion and despair she sat on the steps leading to her room and placed her head in her hands and cried. One cannot imagine what an extraordinary gift a dark night in restful sleep is, until it has been taken away.
We were given a lifeline and invited into my in-laws home. What a relief it was to have a sanctuary! We left our house as quickly as we could. We salvaged what we could of our possessions and took the rest to the skip. It was one of the many blessings that Allah Ta’ala has given us, that we didn’t pass our plague onto our generous hosts.
Our intention was to stay a few weeks or a month at most. We began looking for a place of our own immediately. However, it was terribly difficult to find an adequate house to rent, within our budget. As the weeks turned into months, our sanctuary became a prison. The difficulty, placed on us all, was significant.
When we had almost given up on finding a new place, I happened to stumble upon a listing on the internet. It seemed to check many of our boxes and it was within our budget. We made an appointment to view it and then moved in just days later.
Now that Ramadan tranquillity, happiness and peace has become part of our day to day; even more so. We went from quite a small house, to a cramped room to something that is quite spacious. Dhuha especially seems to be relishing this new freedom. She now has her own room and her own bed. She is no longer restricted from any room in the house, with the exception of mine and Zahira’s room. On top of that she has a garden in which to escape from the house itself. Her mood and behaviour has improved a hundred fold.
There is no doubt that I am truly indebted to Allah the Most Merciful Lord. Oh Allah, make me a grateful servant!
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Allah says in His Quran,
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:6)
How true! Life is full of challenges, some more serious than others. Yet, when the dust has settled, there is relief.
Alhamdulillah, a few weeks back my family was able to draw a line underneath a particularly challenging seven or eight months. We are now in our own place and enjoying the extra space. While I am grateful for the hospitality of my in-laws, I am relieved that we no longer need their hospitality.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Parenting is a difficult job and it often requires parents to make difficult decisions about their children’s future. Among the most difficult, for me, has been deciding where to send my girls for school.
Sabah
Sabah started her learning career in public school, which was fine until it came to celebrating the holidays of the non-Muslim community. Her school, like most I imagine, made an especially big fuss about Christmas. Much less attention was given to Eid and other non-Christian holidays. Given the fact that Sabah’s class was more than 95% Muslim and most of the remaining 5% were Hindu, I had a big problem with the over the top attention given to Christian holidays.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against teaching kids about the holidays and beliefs of others. Sabah knows, for example, that Christmas is for Christians and past the pretty lights she couldn’t careless about it. Besides, there is nothing more precious, to her, on this planet than Eid. I just don’t want their celebrations and holidays forced down the throat of my children.
Our solution was to place Sabah in a private Islamic school. The school is far from perfect and I could find reason to criticize it. However, Sabah is doing well and I’m far happier sending Sabah to school.
Dhuha
Dhuha, on the other hand, started school in a specialist nursery for children with ASD, which turned out to be a terrible nightmare never to be repeated. Overnight, my docile, affectionate, sweet Dudu became an aggressive biting, pinching and spitting machine, who found it impossible to go to sleep. Dhuha was struggling to cope at school and no one informed us. Her school journal was filled with the unimportant details of what she ate during the day. A year and a half later, we are still dealing with the consequences.
Like Sabah, our solution was to put Dhuha into a private Islamic school and they seemed happy to have her. The rest of the year went smoothly and I was happy sending her to school.
When this year began, I was hopeful that Dhuha would continue to do well at school. However, despite intentions and effort, school has become a daycare, where someone looks after her and makes sure she doesn’t get into trouble but where very little learning is done. To be successful at teaching a child with autism, the school must make fantastic efforts to tailor lesson plans to the individual child, the teacher must strive to understand autism, the teacher must truly care about the child, and teaching must be done in partnership with the parents. Moreover, time is a factor. The child has to learn the skills to communicate and become independent as quickly as possible.
We don’t want to waste any more of Dhuha’s time. Therefore, Zahira and I have been to see a local public school that specializes in teaching children with various special needs, autism amongst them. I was particularly impressed with the way I saw them using PECS.
We have started the process of moving Dhuha to this new school. However, I feel tormented. This school is going to have some of the same problems as Sabah’s old school. I don’t think its necessarily the best idea to put so many children with so many problems together. I can’t have a repeat of Dhuha’s first school experience. Dhuha can’t speak for herself and I have a mistrust of public school employees. At the same time, Dhuha is not learning to communicate and she seems to not be included in her class, which is the primary reason for sending her to her current school.
An Islamic Special Needs School
I have to choose the best of a bad situation. Neither of my options are perfect. What would be perfect, is a school that can excel at teaching special needs children based on the Guidance and Mercy of Allah and His Rasul. Perhaps, my hair can be prevented from turning white and my head could fall heavily onto my pillow, without anxiety and worry. I know that if my prophet, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, were on this earth now, his mercy and patience towards our children would be limitless. Dhuha and all special needs children deserve a home and school life based on that mercy and patience.
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