As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
I asked my son, ‘Do you love daddy?’. He replied, ‘No, I don’t’. Then smiled and ran away.
Browsing: Abdullah
Dhuha is how I’ve always known her and to me, at least, that is normal. She is herself. She is my Dhuha.
Most of the time, I fail to see that any of her behaviour is abnormal, even if that behaviour is disruptive. However, there are times when I think, “Man, that is autistic!”.
Reminders of Autism
Dhuha comes down for breakfast. I give her a bowl of cereal. Suddenly, she jumps up, runs and puts the slightly out-of-place sugar container back to its perfect position. She then runs back to her seat and eats her food.
Abdurrahman is playing a game with one of the doors. He wants it closed. Dhuha dislikes the door being closed and forces it open. Abdurrahman is shouting at her to stop it and she is screaming at him. He hits her. She holds the door open.
As soon as Dhuha woke up, I changed her nappy. After a half an hour, Zahira changes her nappy again. Ten minutes later, it looks like she needs to be changed again. Zahira checks her and discovers that she doesn’t need changed, she’s stuffed four toy cars down her pants.
The joys of autism.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
I’ve been married for eight years, today. Which is just enough time to get some understanding of marriage and family life. Even if that understanding is a bit blurred and confused.
Since I’ve now established my “authority” to write on the subject, I would like to share eight things I’ve learned in the past eight years. Enjoy.
Four Things I’ve Learned About Myself
1. I’m not patient, cool, clam or collected as I had, previously, been made to believe by my friends. It’s easy to appear patient when you have no responsibilities and no worries beyond deciding where to eat lunch. It is decidedly much more difficult with real responsibilities and real problems, proving conclusively that I’m not the least bit patient.
2. I can handle a lot more than I thought I could. When I was growing up, there were two things I thought I could never handle; autism and psoriasis. I have psoriasis, though it is under control. Dhuha has autism and I think that’s under control too.
3. I am a lot like my father. It pains me to say it but it’s true. I’m a disciplinarian. “Smaking” annoys me to no end. I MUST be heard. Sabah calls me “grumpy daddy”. Not to mention that I look a lot like him. Harshness was his defining character trait.
4. I’m nothing like my father. I kiss and play with my kids. They can share my food or drink. I can and do change nappies. I tell my family that I love them. We spend on the kids first and often I do without. I like to think, my kindness overshadows my harshness.
Two Things I’ve Learned About Marriage
5. It’s next to impossible to win an argument. Even when I’m sure I’m right, I seem to lose the argument. I talk too much. I talk too loudly. The longer the argument goes on, the more likely I’m not going to win. In fact, the only way to win an argument is by arguing alone.
6. DIY and housework (especially washing dishes) is the best way to smooth things over after you’ve lost an argument (see point 5). There is a trick to it, so use with caution. You must not wash the dishes or put up a shelf too frequently or it will become what’s expected. You must not do it too infrequently that she starts thinking you are a lazy bum. It is a fine balance, I admit. Done right, it will endear her to you.
Two Things I’ve Learned About Being a Father
7. Having a child with a disability isn’t bad. I remember saying to Zahira, when she was pregnant with Sabah, that I didn’t mind if we had a boy or a girl just so long as there was no disability. I remember worrying about Abdurrahman through his first year. But the one I’m closest to and the one that I’ve learned the most about being a father and a human is from Dhuha. Her disability does not stand in the way of her awesomeness.
8. Being part of my children’s lives has been the most satisfying aspect of worldly life. Before they were born, they did not exist even as an idea. After I saw them, heard them and held them, I can not imagine a happy world without them. They are the coolness of my eyes. They are the pleasantness of my present. They are the hope of my future.
Alhamdulillah. Thank you Zahira for eight great years. I love you.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
It is an absolute truth that one of the many blessings of Ramadan is becoming reacquainted with the Quran. For eleven months of the year our Qurans sit on the shelf gathering dust, ignored and neglected. Then Ramadan reaches us and we race to read the entire Kitab. Indeed the Ramadan is the month of the Quran.
Allah says in His Quran (2:185),
شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ ٱلَّذِىٓ أُنزِلَ فِيهِ ٱلْقُرْءَانُ هُدًۭى لِّلنَّاسِ وَبَيِّنَٰتٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْهُدَىٰ وَٱلْفُرْقَانِ
The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Qur’an, a guidance for mankind and clear proofs for the guidance and the criterion.
Every Ramadan we fall in love with reading the Quran. Not books about the Quran, not lectures about the Quran, not even recitations of Quran by someone else, but that special personal relationship as we read and reflect on the Kalam of Allah Azawajal in quiet solitude. What an amazing Book!
My fear and what I am feeling anxiety about is going back to the pre-Ramadan statu quo. I cannot and do not ever want to become estranged from It again. It is my love. It is my soul. If we do not have this Quran in our hearts, in our minds and on our tongues, our Islam is nothing but an empty shell.
I know that once this blessed month departs and the shayatin are let loose and when we start feeding our bodies and starving our souls and when we give precedence to our worldly pursuits, staying attached to the Quran will become more and more difficult. For that reason, we need to have a Quran goal to help us maintain our connection to the Book of Allah. We have to strictly adhere to whatever goal we set ourselves and guard it with jealousy, until it becomes our habit.
Personally, I am making intention to read half a juz every day until Ramadan reaches us again. In addition, I am making intention to learn the meanings of the words. By the time Ramadan reaches us again, I want to know the meaning of every single word. I know this is a big challenge, however, I cannot think of a more worthy use of my time and energy.
Are you setting any Quran goals for yourself? How do they compare to mine? Please do share.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
In the lead up and to the end of last Ramadan, there was a happy tranquillity in our home. It marked the end of a trying year and everything seemed on the up. The boy was progressing as we hoped. Sabah was growing in confidence. Dhuha was putting the trauma of the previous year behind her. Zahira was looking forward to starting her first year of university and a new year of teaching. We seemed to have acquired an equilibrium in our family that had been missing for some time. Indeed, all praise and thanks belong to Allah for His blessings and that period of respite. MashaAllah.
That moment of calmness was destined to be short. As Ramadan ended and we were celebrating Eid-ul-Fitr, a new fitnah invited itself home. What a bloodthirsty trial it was! It wasn’t long before we were throwing the children’s newly bought Eid toys into the bin and most of everything else.
I can now put the financial cost of our ordeal to be between £6,000 and £8,000. However, it was the stress that had the longest and deepest impact. We had no bed, no blankets and no refuge. What I remember most was the day we took Dhuha’s bed out. That night Dhuha went looking for her bed, unable to find it she walked in circles until out of exhaustion and despair she sat on the steps leading to her room and placed her head in her hands and cried. One cannot imagine what an extraordinary gift a dark night in restful sleep is, until it has been taken away.
We were given a lifeline and invited into my in-laws home. What a relief it was to have a sanctuary! We left our house as quickly as we could. We salvaged what we could of our possessions and took the rest to the skip. It was one of the many blessings that Allah Ta’ala has given us, that we didn’t pass our plague onto our generous hosts.
Our intention was to stay a few weeks or a month at most. We began looking for a place of our own immediately. However, it was terribly difficult to find an adequate house to rent, within our budget. As the weeks turned into months, our sanctuary became a prison. The difficulty, placed on us all, was significant.
When we had almost given up on finding a new place, I happened to stumble upon a listing on the internet. It seemed to check many of our boxes and it was within our budget. We made an appointment to view it and then moved in just days later.
Now that Ramadan tranquillity, happiness and peace has become part of our day to day; even more so. We went from quite a small house, to a cramped room to something that is quite spacious. Dhuha especially seems to be relishing this new freedom. She now has her own room and her own bed. She is no longer restricted from any room in the house, with the exception of mine and Zahira’s room. On top of that she has a garden in which to escape from the house itself. Her mood and behaviour has improved a hundred fold.
There is no doubt that I am truly indebted to Allah the Most Merciful Lord. Oh Allah, make me a grateful servant!
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Allah says in His Quran,
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:6)
How true! Life is full of challenges, some more serious than others. Yet, when the dust has settled, there is relief.
Alhamdulillah, a few weeks back my family was able to draw a line underneath a particularly challenging seven or eight months. We are now in our own place and enjoying the extra space. While I am grateful for the hospitality of my in-laws, I am relieved that we no longer need their hospitality.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
Zahira and I recently did an interview with Emma Apple, founder of the online Muslim women’s magazine MuslimaOasis and the Autism awareness project BlueHijabDay.com.
The purpose of the interview was to raise awareness about autism within the Muslim community. Even though, I feel, I’m a poor autism awareness advocate, I was honoured and happy to answer the questions. I believe that each of us autism parents have something to share. Undoubtedly, our experiences can help people just entering the chaotic waters of ASD.
I would like to offer her my sincerest gratitude. I pray Allah ta’ala grants her every happiness in this life and the hereafter.
You can read the interview on the MuslimaOasis website.
About MuslimaOasis
(taken from muslimaoasis’ website)
Muslimas Oasis is a collaborative blog by and for Muslim (and non muslim) Women.
Our Goal and Purpose is to post articles and thoughts on issues affecting Women around the world from a Muslim Womans perspective. To encourage empowerment of Muslim Women (and non muslim women) and to encourage Muslim Women to stand up and use their powerful voice and powerful position in society.
We want to raise awareness of issues, eradicate stigma and stereotype, answer uncomfortable or taboo questions. We aim to encourage self awareness of body, mind and spirit on a personal and societal level.
About Blue Hijab Day
(taken from bluehijabday website)
Blue Hijab Day is an event started by Muslimas Oasis as a way to raise awareness about Autism, Aspergers and other Autism Spectrum Disorders. Our primary goal is to bring about more awareness of these disorders in the Muslim Community, a community which is sadly lacking in awareness and supportive resources for families living with autism. With that said, we very much welcome involvement from non Muslims and hope to bring about Awareness in the wider community through our efforts, we want Blue Hijab Day to become a mainstream awareness and fundraising effort with a Muslim face.
About Emma Apple
(taken from muslimaoasis’ website)
UmmHend is a kiwi mother of 2 who converted to Islam as a teenager in mid 2001 and has been known online ever since for efforts to spread understanding about Islam among Muslims and Non Muslims.
She is a Professional Web Designer, an Artist and a Published Writer, it was through her efforts for Islam that she became interested in web design and went on to teach herself and make a humble career of it.
She had all but given up on the online dawah (spreading Islamic information) efforts and finally, years later, Emma’s passionate opinions and drive to speak out inspired her to create a place that encourages women to use their voice and energy for something that will benefit them and their community, for positive affect rather than negative.
Without realizing it her original idea from 2001 came full circle. Muslimas Oasis is the matured version of the humble efforts Emma began to spread understanding of Islam and Muslim Women all those years ago.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
This is something a wrote a while back,
Along with my faith in God and getting married to the love of my life, becoming a father has been among the most enriching and rewarding experiences imaginable. All of my three children are special and I love them. They have their own beautiful personalities and complex lists of likes, dislikes and preferences. They also come with a set of unique challenges, which I have the privilege of facing with them.
In 2005 my wife gave birth to a wonderful little girl, suddenly parenthood was thrust upon me. Admittedly, I felt completely overwhelmed and incompetent. Worst still was the massive upheaval that a new baby brings to an established and comfortable routine. My initial problems with parenthood were compounded by the fact that they were only my problems. My wife seemed to take everything in stride and I was left on the outside, cold. In time, I overcame these problems and embraced my new found position as head of my own family. However, nothing could prepare me for the challenges that were coming just around the corner.
In 2006, God blessed me a second time with a beautiful little girl, Dhuha. The anxieties of first becoming a father were far behind me and I enjoyed her from the moment she was born. Having two very young children was difficult but the excitement and the fun of it far outweighed any hardships. Life for a brief moment was as close to perfection as possible. Perfection would not last; it is God’s wish to constantly test us with trials and tribulations. By the end of the first year of Dhuha’s life we began to notice some oddities in her behaviour. At the end of her second year, we were sure there was a problem. Dhuha’s behaviour was troublesome and she wasn’t progressing as we had expected. At three Dhuha was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Having a child on the autism spectrum makes life for the whole family difficult and restrictive. I can only imagine how Dhuha feels.
Dhuha has autism but it does not define who she is as a person. Underneath her developmental disorder, she is an intelligent, creative and affectionate girl. If you give her half a chance, she will prove that herself. To know her is to love her.
When my wife became pregnant in 2008, there was a worried excitement. I questioned whether or not I would be ready for another child with a disability. Thank God, my son was born healthy and has not shown any signs of autism. Although I am grateful that he does not have a disability, I think I could have handled it, with a lot of difficulty.
Having children and being a father and husband has made me a better person. I owe my family a lot, especially Dhuha.
As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,
All praise belongs to Allah, Who began by praising Himself before any praiser could praise Him. May the peace and blessings of our Mighty Lord be upon His slave and messenger Muhammad, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, and all those who follow him until the Day of Reckoning.
I testify to the fact that there is nothing in the heavens above or in the earth below that deserves worship except Allah, The One, The Only. And I testify to the fact that Muhammad ibn Abdullah is His slave and messenger.
Allah says in His Quran (48:4):
He it is Who sent down As-Sakinah (calmness and tranquillity) into the hearts of the believers, that they may grow more in Faith along with their (present) Faith. And to Allah belong the hosts of the heavens and the earth, and Allah is Ever All-Knower, All …
A few times in my life, I have experienced something that I can only refer to as Allah’s Approval, His Grace. The first time I felt it was on my way to church when I decided that I would become a Muslim. After that I have only felt it while in salaah, but not every salaah. I love that feeling. It is a feeling of contentment, of joy. It is as if your floating and your heart skips a beat. It is the nervous excitement of meeting your beloved for the first time or after a long separation.
Allah says in His Quran (3:8):
Our Lord! make not our hearts to deviate after Thou hast guided us aright, and grant us from Thee mercy; surely Thou art the most liberal Giver.
Oh Allah, forgive my shortcomings, keep me firm on Your Deen and let me die while You are pleased with me.
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