She’s Not Cold, She’s Autistic!

Abdullah, Autism, Dhuha 10 Mar 2010

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Recently, Zahira’s hours at work have changed and so she is no longer able to bring Dhuha home from school. Consequently, I have started walking to school and fetching her and we all walk back together. It’s about a fifteen minute walk, which Dhuha has enjoyed. However, she’s having an off week. She has been extra crabby and just wants to be carried all the time but even that doesn’t make her happy.

Yesterday, Dhuha’s teacher said that she had a good day at school but she started crying the last fifteen minutes or so. I thought maybe she was tired because she’s had trouble sleeping. When Dhuha wanted me to carry her, I did. Normally such a short walk is nothing, however, Dhuha must weigh somewhere around 20kg and I had to push Abu Bakr with one hand. I barely managed to carry her, but she still cried and she was still miserable when we got home and for the rest of the day.

Today, Dhuha wanted me to carry her again. I decided that I wasn’t going to carry her. It was difficult and it didn’t do any good. Plus I thought the walk might do her good. She whimpered most of the way home and that was only broken by moments of more intense crying and grabbing my leg to try and force me to carry her. I ignored her behaviour and the looks from everyone else. I don’t mind looks because I guess I might look if I hear a baby crying.

When we were just about home, we caught up with a woman, who was walking with her toddler son. They were moving at a slow pace and because we were unable to go around we ended up walking just a few feet behind them. Each time Dhuha cried she turned around and looked at us, which I tried to ignore. It wasn’t a glancing look. It was a body contorting, eye straining look. Finally, she just stopped and turned around and waited for me to be right next to her. She started to speak but I didn’t let her. I said abruptly, ‘she’s autistic’. She asked, ‘she’s cold?’. I shouted, ‘NO, she’s AUTISTIC.’ She replied, ‘oh, she’s autistic’. As if she knows what that is or what it means. Does she think that I’m not looking after my own child? Or was her crying too annoying?

I’m so angry that hours later I still feel like screaming at her. Am I being stupid for getting so upset?

May Allah forgive me and her.

Abdullah Autism Dhuha

About the author

Abdullah

I am Abu Sabah Abdullah Al-Amreeki, a revert to Islam from Christianity, a husband to my beautiful wife, a father to my amazing children, an aspiring daiee and a wannabe Web developer.

11 Comments

Bariah
March 11, 2010 at 1:15 pm

I no longer get angry with other “watchers” and even those who have the nerve to come and object at the nature of my interaction with my son. I don’t think you even need to tell them she has autism. I have seen NT kids (and adults) behaving much worse thank Khaled.

Crying kids are annoying brother :o) whatever the reason for their crying. Put aside your anger and become focused on your goal. Your goal is to understand your child better, why she is crying, scaffold the environment for her better and most of all become her most effective behavior management team in the world. Everyone else is just trivial and eventually fades in to the background.

I can suggest some books that I have read that helped me zone in on Khaleds behaviors, why they may be occuring and most of all how to effectively help him control them.

Reply
Abdullah
March 14, 2010 at 9:15 pm

I don’t know what it was about this woman that upset me so much. I’ve seen her again and immediately those feelings came back to me. I need to let it go but I don’t know if I can.

I have a good idea why she was crying but I wasn’t able to do anything about it at that moment. I just think that we should be showing each other a bit more mercy rather than assume that someone is a bad parent.

Please do suggest anything that you think would be helpful. I value your opinion, suggestions and experience.

Reply
huda qureshi
August 2, 2010 at 5:01 am

autism needs to be dealt with utmost patience. i have two children with this. if you dont know how to handle a situation dont ever be afraid to ask for assistance. its not easy especially when those around you dont want to understand your situation. its very isolating but dont let that get you down you need to find your inner strength and go with it.

Reply
Abdullah
August 2, 2010 at 9:06 am

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu sister Huda,

Thank you for your concern for my family. Indeed patience is key. I can only image the patience you must need having two children on the spectrum.

One of the problems that comes with writing your feelings on a blog is that often you give people the wrong impression. Please do not think that I’m not patient. Certainly, I have my flaws and moments of weakness. In this case I was foolish enough to compound my weakness with stupidity by announcing it to the world.

Sister if you have a blog or website where you write about your experiences of a mother with two children on the spectrum I would love to read it.

Reply
Bariah
August 8, 2010 at 3:21 pm

I am planning to write another post about how I have improved my dealings with Khaled (becuase he is a rigid, explosive kind of child, who cannot control his impulsiveness because right now he has no means to control it). I used to think I have patience, and a natural ability to be analytical in an explosive/out of control situation, but boy, this little kid has taught me I know absolutely nothing about being patient or putting aside emotions.

We require patience of astronomical proportions, and it is easy to feel like a failure at times because you get so little feedback or anything in return from your child.

How can one not become emotional when it comes to their own child? It is the hardest job. I am sure that the reward is great inshaAllah.

Reply
Lulu
May 23, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Assalum Alaikum All,
I am new to this. My little boy has been diagnosed with autism. It was pretty late diagnosis since he is almost 4 now. His pediatrician kept telling he is Ok. just give it a time but all of last year I knew something was wrong so I demanded to be refered to a develpmental specialist. He was fine before he turned 3 and then he started declining in many areas: communication, fine motor skills, eye contact etc. He started getting alot more angrier. Tantarums are pretty part of our every day life.
Right now I am reading about alot of things but I am still lost and confused. Please let me know if you have any ideas tips etc. that I can start with. I also, I have other kids that are not autistic. How do you balance their activities etc with the child on the spectrum. Any help is appreciated.
And to Br. Abdullah, I experience that every day and I do get upset at myself and everyone else sometimes. Reading this blog gave me a little comfort I gotta say. So thank you for sharing your experiences. May Allah(swt) make it easy for all of us.
Jezzak Allah Kheir

Reply

Abdullah
May 25, 2011 at 10:43 am

To Allah we belong and to His is our return.

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Welcome to MyIslamicFamily,

I know how you must be feeling. Autism is a difficult road to start walking down. I promise it does get easier but it never gets easy.

If you live in the UK, find out what financial support you can get from the government. Also try to find the ‘Early Birds’ course. It is a great start for understanding what autism is. It also gives you a few effective strategies for dealing with problem behaviour.

Wherever you are, you should follow this blog: http://www.strandedmom.com/. The sister who maintains it is a fantastic and passionate writer, who has helped shape my thinking about autism and Islam. Particularly, I found her views on patience to be illuminating.

Moreover, there is a book every Muslim should read and own entitled, “Don’t be Sad” by Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni. Get that book immediately if you don’t already have it.

One other thing that you may find helpful is maintaining your own blog and writing your views and sharing your successes and failures. No doubt you will become an inspiration to those following behind us on this road.

You said, “And to Br. Abdullah, I experience that every day and I do get upset at myself and everyone else sometimes.“.

Unfortunately, in this case, I was wrong. That innocent woman was a victim of my frustrations. Just as I hope that every Muslim out there will show me kindness, compassion and understanding, I must show them kindness, compassion and understanding.

I expected it from her but I never expected myself to give it. I should have placed myself in her position. She did nothing wrong.

Ameen to your duaa. May Allah give us the strength to bear this burden with patience, dignity and grace.

Reply

Ummi Hamzah
July 15, 2011 at 11:37 am

AA WR WB..May this reach everyone whilst they in the best health and emaan IA, Ameen.

Subhaanullah.. I thought I was the only Muslim to have a child with ASD. Alhamdulilah im so happy to have come across this site, masha’Allah. I go through all the same stuff brothers and sisters, subhanullah its so hard. Takes alot of sabr, amal, dua and dhikr. My son will tell ppl he will kill them, break their arms, he is violent, he’s emotional etc. And I have 4 kids under the age of 5, so its so hard, i cant really leave the house and Muhammad my 3 yr old (with ASD) is just so difficult and im still quite young (22), I guess even though I feel over the hill lol. , subhaanullah.Pls make dua for me, and IA will also for all of you.

Dear bro Abdullah, dont worry bro u r doing the best u can IA, u have to try to ignore other ppl and their remarks and looks etc. Try makeing dhikr at these times, that may help.

My son has recently been diagnosed, so i was just wondering anyone could help with any things at all that may help with dealing with my sons behavior. I mean in terms of the sunnah/islam. I do positive reinforcement, distraction, time out, and ignore alot. But what according to islam could I do other than the obvious of reading Quran and making dua, i even recite particular dua’s which iv learned that are supposed to help with misbehaving children. Is there anything else??? I would really appreciate your help IA, Jazak’Allahu khair..

Ws

Reply
aspiemädchen
July 19, 2011 at 4:28 pm

why did she cry? i don´t cry if everything is good. or example I cry if I am angry. (i cant feel pain normal so no crying there..)

maybe you can get some strategies for her to cope with the situation which made the cry?
If i beat/tap myself soft and rhymic (not in a autoagressive way) i will calm down if i was stressed.
maybe she has some stereotypic moves too, which you could allow her to use until she calmed down. She has only to learn to stop this if she is fine.

i dont know if she is a asperger (like me, and i have ADHS its the whole package :( ) or the “classic”

Do “you” have bulletin boards online(internet) in which autistic people can talk?
I am member in a german bulletin board (hope thats the right word.) for autistic people.

a section is for parents, partners and teacher which like to know more about autism direct from autistic people.
If you child is aspie, books from baron-cohen are very good.

maybe you could search for such a bulletin board and talk with some autistic peolpe? that might help you to understand, what you child might feel.(but we are individual, so nobody can speak for your daughter, but maybe some auties or Aspies can offer an autistic point of view. And there might be autistic people which can speak. Aspies can often very good, but you might know much about the condition. but maybe it might help to know how it IS to be autistic.
.
The books of donna williams are good.

Often the parents of auties talk with other parents and teacher and and and.. but seldom with autistic people.

Yes, there are specialists, but-specially when childs dont talk, why dont ask a speaking human with the same condition?

(have you read this? what do you think of that?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_rights_movement

I had to learn to act “normal”. but much more important was to lean, in which situation and enviroment i can act autistic and in which not.

THAT is important für me.. because i will never become normal. I can try to “look” and act normal, but that will nver be me. its like acting for a movie+ trying to understand a language you never learned.

you might understand that this is very exhausting. for me its important to behave like i want because ist good for me, it is like.. “rechargig” my “batteries”
if you try all the time to act like another person you´ll become ill.

i think that this might be important to know

reason why my english is bad: i am german^^

Reply
malika
January 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu
my 3 year old son has just being diagnosed with autism .i have had people asking me why does not speak or smile now i have an asnwer .i am overwhelmed with feelings i am doing research . i was going to study for a BA in child education now i will focus more on special education it will also serve as help for my child and others in our situation Inshallah .

Reply

Abdullah
January 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Wa Alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

May Allah make it easy for you.

Autism isn’t nice but having your child diagnosed isn’t the end of the world. My Dhuha will be six in March and over the years we have had ups and downs but she remains as ever an amazing little girl that fills me with joy. A book that continues to help me is, “Don’t Be Sad” By Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni.

Thank you so much for the comment. Please come back from time to time and let us know how things are progressing.

Reply