Dhuha and Jealousy

Autism, Dhuha 01 Oct 2009

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

I don’t mean to brag but in Dhuha’s life daddy is number one. This is especially true when she’s upset. She’ll push past her mother, grandparents and anyone else just so I can carry and comfort her. That is one of the reasons, I feel, Dhuha and I have a great relationship of mutual dependence.

Even though we have this special bond, I have never seen Dhuha act in a jealous manner that is until today. I was holding Abdurrahman and Dhuha came to me crying and buried her face in my lap. Normally, I would pick her up but because I was holding him I couldn’t. After 30 seconds of crying, she abruptly looked up and punched him in the face! It was quite a hard hit and left a red mark.

I was shocked. I still am a bit shocked. More importantly I’m not sure how to handle it. My initial reaction was to separate the two but that wouldn’t be fair for either one of them. Dhuha finds it amusing when she sees someone else get hurt. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.

To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

Abdurrahman Autism Dhuha Jealousy

About the author

Abdullah

I am Abu Sabah Abdullah Al-Amreeki, a revert to Islam from Christianity, a husband to my beautiful wife, a father to my amazing children, an aspiring daiee and a wannabe Web developer.

3 Comments

Bariah
October 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

well you can look at it as progress! Jealousy is a higher level of emotion :)

I think children are not violent or understand it, she just doesn’t know what else to do. She probably doesn’t even know that is punching or hitting. Maybe get her to do nice things around him (like get her to stroke him, kiss him, give him stuff) and constantly praise her or give her a lot of attention when you do that and just totally don’t react when she is trying to hit him to get your attention.

Khaled bites me, hits me etc to escape from demand or sometimes to get attention. When he is doing it for attention seeking, I give no reaction. It is hard because although he is only 3, I don’t like being smacked! Even a sigh or a glare can be really reinforcing for him at these times. I walk away without looking, or just carry on doing what I am doing.

I am excited these days because Khaled is trying some trickery to get my attention. When his father comes home, Khaled picks the activity that he gives me most trouble with (passing the ball) and sits on the chair and tries to get me sit with him and starts passing the ball back and forth with me! (under normal circumstances when we are alone he does not want to do this at all)

That takes some planning and associative thinking.
I mean we have still failed at achieving the real objective of regulation with passing the ball, but at least I know he is really clever :) He is learning to manipulate me in more complicated ways. Sometimes we just have to celebrate the wrong things!

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Abdullah
October 15, 2009 at 10:29 am

Sorry for the late reply, I have made myself busy the last couple of weeks and didn’t give myself much time for the blog.

I wondered then and I still do wonder if jealousy is a higher emotion, is it normal for autistic children to show jealousy? She hasn’t tried hitting again but she has shown her jealousy by crying not only with her little brother but also her big sister.

Masha Allah, Khaled seems to be quite clever. Children like him and Dhuha are such a blessing (and a trial). May Allah’s mercy be upon them and all of us.

I like celebrating the wrong things, when it shows signs of normality even when they’re not quite normal. :)

Alhamdulillah.

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Bariah
October 3, 2009 at 3:03 pm

oh and sorry one more thing – I don’t feel she finds the getting hurt amusing but rather the reaction. Dhuha sounds like Khaled when he was 2. I found I had to get rid of the idea that Khaled had any spitefulness. In the early days – Khaled confused all reaction with good reaction. Facial expressions are not ASD kid’s area of expertise per se. He couldn’t speak and his understanding of tone of voice, facial expression – and other multiple channels we all use while communicating (tone, context, voice, gesture, words, our history with the person we are speaking with, perspective taking, self evaluation blah blah) it is all a lot of information to process. They do not have the ability.

In khaleds current therapy we try to use minimal channels. (so no words, no shaking head, we are currently just working on NODDING and smiling and maybe single declarative words with him and doing everything very slowly) – needless to say you can’t carry on like that all the time, but you gotta try as much as possible.

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